Memories of Cutthroat Fantasy Football

Screen Shot 2016-09-04 at 7.40.21 PMBy: Reign of Styles

My brother and I decided to invite the family to play a little innocent  fantasy football. We started a league and set up teams. Normally my family is a pretty tight bunch. We love hard, we play hard.  So this should be fun right? Wrong.  Well okay It IS  fun  but we do a lot of trash talking and everyone lives on opposite ends of the globe so our phones are going crazy on Sunday with text messages every time one of our players scores against a family member.  Did I mention this is an ALL family league. I mean real family my mom, cousins, siblings, and nieces,and nephews.  Who would’ve ever thought such nice people could turn on you so quickly….

Every season I think it’s going to be fun. Stress free, a great way to connect and have fun with people I love. That feeling usually lasts until the first person makes the first pick in the draft. The season hasn’t even started yet and my dear, sweet, loving, mother has already threatened to everything but bodily harm on her offspring, her niece, and her nephews. If I go MIA Mom should be interrogated 1st.

This ladies and gents is where it gets cutthroat. Last season I needed a little space on my roster but I didn’t have anyone I wanted to get rid of but I had a running back who was questionable. I put him on waivers thinking I’ll be back to get you Monday night. 5 minutes later my mom has this crazy cat that ate canary / Norman Bates smile on her face. Which I ignored because it was kind of scary. Ten minutes later she starts asking my brother why would someone put such a good player out there and giggled gleefully. I said in my little kid voice maaaaa that is my player I want him back you can use him this weekend but I was going to get him back Monday. Sproles is still on her team and every week she says I just can’t believe you gave him up. I’m telling you these people are cutthroat.

We drafted yesterday. Mom was drafted last. She was not happy.  The entire league is going to pay that watch and see. Now my dear brother will tell you it is pure coincidence but some how he ended up drafting 2/3 of the players I wanted. Oops sorry sis. Um, well can I have them we can trade. I don’t know how to trade sis. Jamaal you are the league commissioner give me my player. I’m telling you these people have issues. I offered to give my mom one of the players back trying to be a good daughter. She said, “No, I’m fine I don’t need your handouts.” Lol I offered but she’s going to remember this imaginary slight – believe me.

We thought a loving family like ours how could it go wrong? This will be a great way to have fun even though we are miles apart and enjoy football that we have been bonding over our entire lives. I bleed Chicago Bears on Sundays and Maize and Blue on Saturdays. In college I spent Sundays watching the Washington Redskins with My Uncle Charles. Usually I spent my Sundays laughing because the Redskins were losing and Mr. cool would act like it was all in the plan. He often did a Jerry Jones and took faith in moral victories with his Redskins 2 decades ago.  Having family in Oklahoma and family in D.C. made me despise everything related to the Dallas Cowgirls.

I digress. I’m supposed to be telling you about my cutthroat family who was completely supportive and loving until our fantasy football league started. My brother Mr. graham Crackers and juice is in first place.  Somehow my cousin Anthony is in 2nd and after a brutal beating from another cousin 2 weeks ago I’ve fallen into 3rd place. I know you can’t really cheat in fantasy football my brother  is our league commissioner and every time he plays my cousin Shawn he beats him by 50 + points. Um Shawn is there something you want to tell us. Clearly you’ve done something to Jamaal he has no mercy when it comes to you.  I felt so bad for my cousin I ALMOST asked the league if we could donate points to him. But I had my own issues to deal with. I benched Ben Roethlisberger 2 weeks in a row and squeaked by with a 2.60 point win over my cousin.  I should’ve been ok with Russell Wilson starting and Big Ben on the bench RIGHT!  Wrong Roethlisberger goes out and scores 44 freaking point and acts like he’s Peyton Manning are you kidding me?  Oh I have gloated and talked big smack. I was in here yelling and praying for Eli until the final seconds ticked off because Lil Man had the Colts defense. We see sawed back and fourth more than the tipsy cups at the state fair.  I finally pulled ahead and Andrew Luck took a knee in victory formation… Yippee  I won I won oh sorry that was supposed to be my inside typing voice.

Forget smart TVs, My mother who is usually a calm reserved lady is waiting for them to invent snatch TV so she can snatch one of her players ala  Woody Hayes right through the TV screen and get him some get right when they are not performing to their ability.

All is fair in love, war and family fantasy football leagues. I guess.

Last year when we started the league we told everyone they were all fighting for fourth place behind us. That is exactly how it went down. My brother, me, and mom 1. 2. and 3. The first two years the Wheatons came in 1. 2. 3. My brother won  the first year, my mom won the second year and last lear My cousin won (yeah we still don’t know how that happened.)I came in second and mom came in 3rd.  Mom is not sitting around knitting and baking cookies in her golden years let me tell you. This year we didn’t issue any guarantees because babeee this folks mean business.

It’s Sunday night sand I  have a little plotting to do and a lot of coaching so I can beat my brother next weekend.  Until next time… huddle up. Peace Love and Style.


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